1.The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

在這個世界上，我最不愿意做的事就是傷害你，但是這件事仍在我的考慮之列。我真不想傷害你，但你也別逼我。吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

2.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

政客和紙尿布有一個共同點就是：他們都很有規律地被替換，而且因為同一個理由——臟了！！

3.War does not determine who is right – only who is left。

戰爭不能決出正義，但能判出哪方出局.

4.Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

知識就是說你知道西紅柿是一種水果；智慧就好似不要把它放進水果沙拉里。知識就是告訴你說應該把雞蛋放進籃子，智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進一個籃子。

5.If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

上帝瞅著咱們呢，大伙好歹喜感點吧！

6.I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

老子拼死拼活奮斗到食物鏈頂端，不是為了成為一個素食者。

7.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.....

公車站呀公車停。火車站呀火車停。俺桌上有個工作站…

8.Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

剽悍的人生不需要解釋。

9.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

無愧于心哈？記性不好吧？

10.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

如果女人能做到以禿頂和啤酒肚在大街上晃還覺得自己倍兒性感——此時估計男女能平等。

11.The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

小腿上的骨頭——在黑房間里找準家具位置的好裝備。

12.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

竊鉤者誅，竊國者為諸侯。

13.The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

小孩子要中間名，純粹是為了讓他知道他啥時候真的有麻煩了。起個全名就為了揍孩子前可以底氣十足地喊出來。賈君鵬這名字就為了讓他媽喊他回家吃飯！

14.It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

跳樓的時候，“啊——”的時候還沒死，“啪！”那才是死了。

15.Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

好客就是：讓客人覺得他們像在他們家一樣，盡管你真的希望他們滾回他們家。

16.You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

越活越2，活到老，2到老。

17.Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

記著吧……世界要不惡心，我們早被吐掉了。(提示：看出哪個詞是一語雙關了嗎？)

18.If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

直譯：如果你始終腳踏實地，那就別想穿褲子了。

意譯：人太老實沒法活。

19.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine。

世界總是在變，但我卻怎么也便不出來。

人生何處不杯具，唯有面對飲水機。